i stopped writing in january.

almost a year now i haven't picked up a pen or pressed a letter on a keyboard. until now.

until this moment i felt no need to, i was determined to better myself.

i had goals. marks that i needed to get to. i guess sometimes it takes an emotional upheaval.

a moment of perfect chaos, thats completely out of your hands for you to have the courage to start again.

this year i've learned a lot about myself, i've learned that complaining gets you nowhere, and will more than likely just piss off the person who's helping you.

i've learned that my mind can be my own worst enemy, but right now were getting along just fine.

i've learned that when it gets hard you shouldn't cry, in turn you wont be able to breathe and then really unattractive things happen. (i learnt that the hard way)

i've learnt that spending too much time with people, you really get to know them. and sometimes the things you learn makes you wish you never had.

but maybe more importantly i know now that nothings ever as bad as it seems, theres always light at the end of the tunnel wether it be a flame of a candle or a floodlight

and that sometimes all you need to do is believe in yourself.

quite unrequited.

i love you in every drag and pull of blood pumping through my heart,
i love you when i can't stand you,
i love you when you laugh, i love you when you make me laugh
and i love you that way, even though you don't.


-
its the way you move me, the way you think
the way you walk and the way you talk,
your touch, when your arm brushes mine,
its the way i feel the bumps raised, where you graze past me,

its how i can tell something's bothering you,
how you tell me everything and not somethings
how your gazes are intense, and how i can tell your not paying attention.
yeah i know your not paying attention.

its the way your face lights up and when i know that somethings up.
its the way you move your hands explaining something,
its your stupid words, and how i can't keep a straight face,
its the colour of your eyes, and those thinking sighs
its the ways your take my breathe away,
its why i'll always be here to stay, but really it.
how you make those butterflies fly.

its the leaves on the tree's
the bee's on the flowers,
the minutes and the hours,
its the ways i love you,
and the ways i can never have you.

Freedom is slavery.
War is peace.
Ignorance is Strength.
Existence is
suffering.

i'd walk through hell for you.

Thoughts of you flash before my eyes,
i cant move frozen to the place,
memories before me,
a familiar taste ,
i remember the way;
you'd smile and not a single smile in the world,
could match the one before my eyes,
i still remember;
your infectious laugh,
and i'd smile to myself, thinking how long it would last,
and the way your breathing would hitch,
when you were sleeping,
i remember thinking, how your the only one,
i wouldnt mind keeping,
And i remember;
when you said it can't go on,
and how i couldnt find any oxygen,
in the outside air, how my knee's went weak,
and i couldnt speak,
and the only feeling i knew from then,
was Despair.

times at a standstill

after all this time,
i still miss you,
Somedays;
Your all I think about
Somedays;
I can't breathe
cause you were the air I would need.
Even when, you'd knock the breathe from my lungs
and bring me to my knee's,
Somedays;
I don't feel like moving,
The pain still feels to fresh,
And the familiar feeling that
I'm losing Myself again,
And I won't pretend anymore
Even for myself,
That I'm okay
When I'm not.
I feel the pull that drags me under
Covers me and plunges me into a place
I don't want to be,
a place where only misery
Comforts me, can't you see
I'm not happy, I'm not me
When I'm not with you.
It never crosses your mind,
Never will, still
i'll sit here and waste my thoughts on you.

Revive a sene of hope.

My conscience there, to send me off to sleep
When i need you closer

For when i wake, i am greeted by shades of grey
I'll return to you.

In dreams, the sun sets in our eyes
In dreams, we'll never be apart
In dreams, i'll promise you'll never be alone
How much i wish, your voice could send me home.

-Misery Signals

Running Scared.

My heads pounding harder
Than the pounding of my heart
My hearts racing faster than my feet
I try to say what i feel
But there's nothing
So i cant speak
I run, and i don't look back
I'm running from something

I'm running from nothing.